Love Books

Books are a great place to look for the answers to questions. Sometimes there is one especially excellent book on a subject with all the answers. Other times different books contain elements of truth that can begin to make sense when they are combined. I’ve read lots of books about a subject that seems simultaneously both simple and amazingly complex. While there are many more books yet to read, here are a few ideas from books about love.

We say that we love our pets, our family, our friends, certain foods, a work of art, our partner. The same word can mean so many different things, no wonder it is confusing. M Scott Peck’s defines love in his book “The Road Less Traveled” as: “the will to extend one’s self to nurture one’s own or another’s spiritual truth.”

This definition includes self-love. We must begin with loving ourselves in order to be capable of both loving others and receiving love. To love ourselves, we need to fully realize that we are loved simply because we are alive. A higher power is one completely reliable source of unconditional love. Since we are all loved, it follows that all deserve to be treated with love, wherever we are on our travels.

This definition also implies effort. Love requires our on-going efforts to keep it growing, like a garden that we plant. Love is either nurtured and grows or neglected and dies. We either choose to act lovingly or we choose not to. We learn to communicate, or we don’t. We accept others as they are, or attempt to control them.

If we have not learned how to love, we may believe that love can be found by pursuing praise, power, pleasure, and safety. Greg Baer calls this Imitation Love in his book “Real Love.” While these things are not inherently bad, they will never provide true happiness when they become a substitute for real love. We may choose these forms of Imitation Love simply because we do not realize there is another choice.

When we do not receive unconditional love, we feel empty and afraid, and learn getting and protecting behaviors, which are actions to get others to like us or to avoid and prevent others from hurting us. Brief satisfaction may result from these behaviors, but the long-term damage is considerable, the worst effect being that they make it impossible to feel Real Love even when it’s actually being given to us. Only when we take the risk of telling the truth about ourselves is there the possibility of unconditional love.

We may not have learned how to act lovingly, but if we do not change, we continue to be defined by our past. In “All About Love” by Bell Hooks, the author lists actions that convey love. Actions that express love include: care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment, trust, recognition and communication. Conversely, actions that destroy love include hurt, abuse, neglect, disrespect, manipulation, and controlling. We can learn to act lovingly towards all people, but love reaches a deeper level with some who touch our hearts. When this happens it is quite mysterious.

While love is a gift freely given, healthy relationships are about balanced appreciation and mutual respect. We show love by giving our time and attention, especially by actively listening. Gary Chapman describes the “Five Love Languages” as acts of service, quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gifts. One love language speaks most clearly to us, and it may be a different one for your partner.

Life is change, but often not in ways that we might expect. Since nobody is perfect, there’s usually something we would like to change, in ourselves as well as others. But change is the ultimate self-help project, making efforts to change others spectacularly ineffective and problematic.

In “Real Love,” Greg Baer says that attempts to control others indicate that we are not accepting them. This does not mean we must accept unloving behavior; it does mean setting your own limits and requesting what you want without demanding it or expecting you will always get it. Order these and other recommended books at Daily PlanIt Books. There’s so much more to learn, it’s time to read more books!

Love Smart

I’ve been reading the new book by Dr. Phil, “Love Smart.” While not clear from the title, the book is directed at women. He provides the male perspective and makes some interesting points. First, discover the real you and develop your strengths. Then define what you are looking for. Realize that no one is perfect, and finding someone who fits what you want 80% is a pretty realistic match.

The Different Kinds of Love

The many ways we use the word love are so confusing! The same word can have such different meanings. In the book “The Four Loves” C.S. Lewis has based his ideas on the Greek words for love.

This could be a way to differentiate between them as we think and speak about love.

• love with a little l could refer to what we mean when we say “I love pizza.”
• Love with a big L could be the love we feel for family and friends. (Philios)
• Romantic love would be what we feel for a special person in our life. This usually begins with infatuation or the “in love” experience, but can mature into Real Love. (Eros)
• LOVE in all capital letters is the unconditional love we receive from our higher power and give back to mankind. (Agape)

Learn more about love from this post based on love books.

The most important words

From “The Eighth Habit” by Stephen R Covey:

1. Please
2. Thank you
3. I love you
4. How may I help?

15 little words to make your spouse happy

Today’s entry is from an Ann Landers column. The 15 words for husbands to keep their wives happy are: I love you. You look great. Let’s eat out. Can I help? It’s my fault. The 15 words for wives to keep their husbands happy are: You’re so sexy! Dinner is ready. I hate shopping. You’re a genius! Here’s the remote.

Intentions-Actions-Results

Intentions are what happens when we think of something we plan to do. Intentions based on love consider what is best for all concerned. However, despite the best intentions, nothing happens until we actually take action. Actions that are congruent with intentions likely lead to the best results. Are you acting on your intentions, and what are the results?

Dr Harley on Needs

My recent interest in the subject of needs led me to read the book “Give and Take” by Dr Willard Harley. It was an eye-opening experience. Besides talking about Love Busters and the ten most important emotional needs, he says there are two illusions. The first illusion is that care and protection in marriage should be given unconditionally. The reality is they are given when they are received. The second illusion is that spouses should love and accept each other as they are and shouldn’t try to change each other. The reality is that love and acceptance depend on the changes made to accommodate each other. “It is the epitome of selfishness to assume that we should be loved and cared for regardless of the way we treat others.” The policy of joint agreement is “Never do anything without an enthusastic agreement between you and your spouse.” The interests of both people are equally important. His Marriage Builders website is packed with useful information.

Meeting needs with love

I’ve been reading two apparently disparate books that seem oddly connected, as they have related ideas about unexpected topics. A book about depression and one about energy both have interesting things to say about relationships and needs.

“Creating Optimism” by Bob Murray and Alicia Fortinberry is a seven step program for overcoming depression with a 94 percent success rate based on follow-up questionnaires. Step 1 is: Identify & defeat the inner saboteur, Step 2: Reconnect to your body, Step 3: Create Healing Relationships, Step 4: Elevate your self-esteem, Step 5: Uncover your competence, Step 6: Access the power of shared purpose, and Step 7: Deepen your relationship to the divine.

The book describes eight fundamentals of happiness: connection to others, autonomy, self-esteem, competence, purpose, connection to your body, connection to nature, and spirituality. As human beings are relationship-forming creatures, a large portion of the book is devoted to connection to others. The authors contend that a relationship is the mutual satisfaction of need.

Six actions for creating healing relationships are: 1. Discover your functional relationship needs in all areas of your life. 2. Prioritize needs and define your bottom line. 3. Give your needs to others. Find out their needs of you. 4. Negotiate needs and set consequences. 5. Create rules, roles, and rituals. 6. Expand your network of lasting, strong, and supportive friendships.

Functional needs are: 1. Action oriented: about doing, not about thinking or feeling. 2. Concrete and specific. 3. Appropriate: fitting and realistic. 4. Doable: possible to be met.

To communicate different priority levels of needs, think of a stoplight. Red means essential to survival, yellow needs are important but negotiable, and green are wants that would be nice to have.

In “The Energy Prescription,” Connie Grauds says fear and loss of self lead to disconnection from the limitless sea of energy we live in. We renew energy when we reconnect with eight gateways: mind/soul, breath, water, food, exercise, nature, relationship, and altruism or contribution. The final chapter has checklists to evaluate each gateway, along with prescriptions for increasing energy.

A shift in consciousness occurs when we pause, disconnect from fear and reconnect with the energy of life. Fear is a normal response to threat that can become a chronic habit even when threat is not present. When we bring awareness to our life experience, we can respond without unconsciously reacting from fear. We can choose thoughts that generate rather than deplete energy.

Fear only produces more fear. It distorts our perceptions, beliefs and behaviors, and complicates our relationships. It is the cause of all painful struggles, conflicts and misunderstandings. When we operate from fear, we struggle to get our own needs met, often with the opposite effect. As we shift awareness, love and energy overflows in kindness or helpful acts for others, and flows back to us. Intentions that come from love are of a higher level than those that do not.

Healthy relationships contribute to our happiness but are not the main source of happiness. When relationships are presumed to be the primary source of spirit energy, they are burdened with impossible demands to fulfill a need that only Spirit can fill. Love is giving and receiving spirit energy as kindness and presence without expectation, possessiveness, jealousy or attachment. Relationships are opportunities to magnify spirit energy through spiritual contact with others. When we connect with love, we are better able to meet the needs of others and ourselves.